So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
It's official drugs can't kill me
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
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