The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
