I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just had sex on a roof
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
