I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
