i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
