If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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