My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
