I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
