if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
