someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
