I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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