Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
