Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
