you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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