Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
