I love watching others lives come down to our level.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
