fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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