I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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