I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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