so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
