I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
