Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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