My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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