i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize