you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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