You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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