i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Do vagina's smell?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
