Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
