yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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