census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
