I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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