god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
