The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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