I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
