Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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