If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
