my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
