i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
