I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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