I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I believe in your delicious
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
