phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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