Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
