i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Randomize
