i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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