Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
