:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
