Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
