and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Panties = found
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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