phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
