if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
